Thursday, November 24, 2011

A Rest Stop to Reflect on the Road to Improvement

I was going to do a real yadda, yadda, yadda post about Thanksgiving, but something really interesting happened to me on the way home from work today: A random male came up to me and tried to punch me in my face. He looked harmless until he came up to me and said, "See this face? You make it mad, and you'll get this," sounding like some villain from when cartoons were worth watching and holding his fist up. At the exact moment I stepped away he leaned toward me and swung, barely missing my face. Not wanting him to sniff out my fear the way a shark sniffs blood, I stepped around him as nonchalantly as possible. Inside my mind I panicked.


And then I remembered I carry a taser in my purse. And a switch-blade. Because this is not the first time a man has tried to attack me on the way to or from work. Since I paid money for it I should use it. Swiftly I took it out  of my purse. Just as I was going to light him up with a jolt that sent him straight to Arkansas he took off. That was my afternoon.


While this incident took a total of fifteen seconds to play itself out, it rattled me for the rest of the afternoon. I know I'm supposed to be learning how to shake things off and letting them go. If it didn't kill me I'm supposed to learn from it. At the present time I've only learned one thing from that experience: I need to carry my taser in my hand on my way home, even in broad daylight. It takes too long to take it out of my purse. Whatever I was supposed to learn from it I didn't, because a seed of anger surpassed the lesson and then took root inside of me.

Understandably so, I was angry at the man for violating my personal space and threatening my safety at first. Then he became a small part of a big picture. I was angry at so-and-so for not being there to pick me up from work. I was angry at this male for not being there to protect me. I was angry at my oldest son's father for never being a part of our family unit. I was mad at my ex-wusband for being an asshole, thus making me divorce him. Had he been there he would have beaten the crap out of the man on the street. I was angry at my father for leaving me when I turned 9, because now I can never trust another man when he tells me he's never going to leave me again, and the man on the streets confirmed that men can't be trusted. As the anger grew the source of my anger became obsolete. He was no longer a part of the picture. I was kicking every man I ever knew out of my life. If it was a man I dismissed a long time ago I mentally brought him back into my life just to ban him from it again. My brother texted me. It took everything in me not to throw my phone across the room. He owned a penis; he was the enemy. A simple text asking me to come home turned him into the enemy. My warped, anger-possessed mind converted his missing me into him not wanting me to improve my life or get my degree. That anger sky-rocketed to the point of no return.

Right before throwing my phone across the room, two very strong forces stopped me. One was the force of reason. The phone is a Verizon Android. It was expensive as heck. Since I didn't buy it from Best Buy, I wasn't getting a brand new phone or a loaner phone while I waited for the new one to come in. My phone is a very important factor in my life. Not only are the backup files to my writing in it, but it also contains my Bible, my morning inspirations, my Kindle, and all of my music. The other force was that thing called a revelation. This comes during a moment of reflection. Yes, I have those. People who knew me in my younger years remember what a fly-off-the-handle temper I have. There used to be no distance between an action and my reaction time. Now I actually stop and think about what I'm going to do before I do it. Sometimes it feels a little corny, but it works out well. The obvious result of my moment in reflection was that I realized I have a problem with directing my anger at the wrong people.

The less obvious part was the revelation. You see, this time I misdirected my anger because in letting go I've also been ignoring what has been happening to me. I should have called the police on that man. I hate calling the police for anything, but no one else should be victim to this. He may have attacked someone else further down the street. In my selfishness I only wanted him to get away from me. What if he went a few blocks down and ran into some defenseless children? Because I didn't take care of the problem I resented myself. Then I began to blame everyone but myself rather than holding myself accountable for my error. I hate when anyone else does this, so why did I do it?

After the revelation came I realized that almost every man I blamed for something was someone I never properly took care of. (My brother is not included in this category. My brother is quite possibly the most wonderful man I know. His text just came at the wrong time). Either I let my anger cause a physical reaction, or the man just left, but I never fully closed the situation. As a result of these unresolved issues I left a bad situation open. Possibly I put someone else in danger. Unlike the people who may or may not have been attacked by that man, the person I put in danger by not fully and properly tying up my loose ends is probably going to be someone I have to confront. It will probably be someone I care for. That scares me, because I have two sons. Subconsciously I'm trying to raise them not to be like the men who hurt me. This idea may sound good in theory. However, in reality this can and will turn into a problem. It can stunt their growth. How will they learn if I manipulate their cultivation process? People think they know everything, but wisdom comes from experience. By me leaving so many "attacks" unresolved I have left someone else open to misdirected anger and that same attack.

Very rarely do we get to control the way situations in our lives end. What we can control is the way we bury them in our hearts and minds. The two have to agree. You can't just let something go in your mind if your heart is still holding onto it. A lot of times our hearts are stronger than our minds. It is up to you to figure out what it is that is keeping your heart connected to the person or the situation. In the original case it was that I should have done something to prevent the man from actually assaulting someone. The other people mentioned are people who left pain in my heart, but instead of letting myself heal I pushed them away. Each individual situation needs to be meditated upon so it can be resolved and then released. The way you handle something has to be well with you before it is no longer a part of you.


  1. I wish you had hit that random guy with the jolt of electricity like Pika-chu so i could've laughed. Nice post.

  2. LOL. Had I only been in IDGAF mode! But the police were passing by, and you know they'll blame the victim for defending herself in a minute.

    Thanks for reading!